Fairy Tales: An Education

Once upon a time, in a far away land...

If you are anything like me then you would have grown up with the stories of "Cinderella", "Sleeping Beauty", "Rapunzel", "Goldilocks and the Three Bears", "Little Red Riding Hood", and "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs" to name just a few. I'm not going to sit here and write about how I remember clearly how my mum or my dad would read those stories to me and how I would wish I could be a princess, hoping that Prince Charming would sweep me off my feet for, two reasons. Firstly, because that cliche really annoys me. But most importantly, my second reason is quite simply that I can't remember my mum and dad ever reading those stories to me when I was little. They might have done, but I can't say at the tender age of three or four I was particularly transfixed with the idea of being some wannabe princess, drugged up to the eyeballs by some creepy old evil stepmother figure, lying in a coffin as some random guy I barely knew felt the overwhelming desire to come and kiss me, oh, and then propose. At the age of three or four I think I was more concerned with eating, playing, sleeping, and throwing embarrassing tantrums. I'm not sure dating was high on my agenda.

However, whether I like it or not, I can't help but feel that the stories I heard when I was little have influenced the way that I think about my hopes and dreams and goals for the future. Here are a few things fairy tales have taught me:

1) Eating apples is damaging to your health. In fact, they will probably kill you. Especially if they are red.

2) Always make sure you have long hair, because you never know when you are going to have to make a quick escape.

3) If you are ever faced with a situation where you have to choose the best of three (for example, a bowl of porridge/a chair/a bed etc.) always go for the last option because you will be sure that it will be just right. It's scientifically proven you know!

4) If you stay out later than midnight then bad things will happen.

5) Never, ever go to the woods. Actually, avoid any areas where there is an abundance of green vegetation. 

6) You cannot marry a man that does not fulfill all of these requirements:

    i)   He must own a sword

    ii)  He must own a castle 

    iii) He must be the heir to a kingdom

    iv) He must know how to ride a horse

7) Always keep breadcrumbs in your pocket in case you get lost.

8) Always make sure you have an up to date photograph of any loved one with you at all times in case you suddenly forget what they look like and mistake a wild animal for a loved one.

9) Stay away from any machine involved in the manufacturing of textiles (i.e. a spindle). Comas may occur if you accidently injure yourself using the equipment (e.g. pricking your finger),  On the plus side, with the help of those frequent television ads, you may be able to get free legal advice and compensation!

10) If you do fall into a coma, and all forms of medical expertise and scientific knowledge seem to fail, do not fear! A kiss from your true love is all that is required. Bet they didn't teach you that in medical school.

And they all lived happily ever after. The End.